Understanding Grief and its Stages

After death

Jan 2025

Grief is a normal, yet profoundly unsettling process. When one loses a loved one, a whirlwind of emotions can be experienced: sadness, anger, guilt, confusion, fatigue. Understanding the grieving process and its stages often helps to articulate one's feelings and realize that one is not "abnormal" for reacting differently from others.

Introduction to Grief

We often hear about the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. This model, popularized by psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, provides a simple language to describe what many individuals experience during their grief process. It is not a magic formula, nor an order to be strictly followed; each person may move from one stage to another, revert, or skip certain stages.

In Quebec, the government also reminds us that the grieving process is non-linear, unique to each individual, and experienced at one’s own pace, depending on life history, the relationship with the deceased, and the support network. The important thing is not to “perform grief,” but to experience one’s grief as healthily as possible, with support as needed.

The Five Stages of Grief: a Framework for Understanding

Even if the model does not explain everything, the 5 stages of grief remain a well-known tool for better understanding what is happening within oneself. Here is a summary, adapted to the reality of families in this region.

Stage 1: Denial

Denial is often the first reaction. The news of the death seems unreal: “That cannot be,” “They must be mistaken.” The brain protects itself from the shock by refusing, at least in part, reality. During this phase, the grieving person may function “on autopilot,” focus on practical arrangements, or avoid discussing the death.

This defense mechanism is normal and often temporary. It provides some time to absorb the shock before delving into heavier emotions. In the grieving process, denial is not a sign of weakness; it is a human way to survive the initial hours and days.

Stage 2: Anger

When denial begins to fade, anger can become prominent. It can be directed at oneself, at doctors, at life, at God, at the deceased who “left,” or even at loved ones. One may find the situation profoundly unjust, repeating, “Why him? Why us?”

This anger is part of the stages of grief. It can be challenging for those around, but it is often an expression of pain and helplessness. It is important to be able to name it and express it in a safe setting: by speaking to someone trustworthy, writing, engaging in physical activity, or seeking professional support.

Stage 3: Bargaining

Bargaining is a more internal stage. One revisits events, thinking, “If only I had done this…” or “If we had consulted earlier…” One may also entertain thoughts such as, “If I change this in my life, the pain will be less intense.” The grieving process often involves these “what ifs…”

Even if it seems futile, bargaining sometimes helps to regain a minimum of control in a situation where it is lacking. It also allows for the expression of regrets, which are common in grief, especially if the relationship was complex or if the death was sudden.

Stage 4: Depression

At some point, the reality of the loss sets in: the person will not return. This is often when deep sadness emerges, which is associated with “grief depression.” One may feel drained, without energy, and without interest in what was once part of life. Nights can be difficult, tears frequent, and the feeling of loneliness very present.

In the grief process, this stage is not a failure. Rather, it indicates that the mind is beginning to integrate the reality of the loss. Crying, talking, temporarily withdrawing from certain commitments, seeking help: all of this can be part of normal grief. However, if despair lasts for a very long time, or if suicidal thoughts appear, it is important to seek immediate consultation.

Stage 5: Acceptance

Acceptance does not mean that one stops suffering or forgets the deceased person. Rather, it means that one begins to adjust to a life where that person is no longer physically present. Memories become a little less painful, one is able to speak of the deceased with fewer tears, and little by little, one starts making plans again.

In this stage of the grieving process, new rituals are often found to maintain a symbolic connection with the deceased person: visits to the cemetery or columbarium, photos, symbolic gestures at certain times of the year, etc. Love remains, but the relationship to loss transforms.

One Model among Others for Experiencing Grief

The five stages of grief are not a strict rule. Other models speak instead of phases of grief (shock, disorganization, reorganization) or grief work. Regardless of the model, the central idea remains: grief is a living process that requires time, support, and much gentleness towards oneself.

If, in addition to your sorrow, you must manage practical aspects (funerals, budget, procedures), our other articles can assist you, notably
Financial Aid: $2,500 Available Upon Death in Quebec
and
What to Do After a Death? Steps and Procedures.
They effectively complement this text on the stages of grief by covering the more administrative and financial aspects.

How to Care for Oneself During Grief?

Understanding the stages of grief is one thing; successfully navigating daily life while grieving is another. The grieving process affects the body, heart, and mind. It is therefore essential to care for oneself during this period, even if one does not always have the energy or desire.

Here are concrete suggestions for better experiencing your grief. You do not have to do everything; the idea is rather to choose what resonates most with you and to give yourself permission to prioritize your well-being.

1. Do Not Grieve Alone

Draw up a list of trustworthy individuals (friends, family, colleagues, professionals) and dare to ask them for support.
Articulate your needs: sometimes, it is not about discussing at length, but simply about not being alone, or receiving help with daily tasks.
Avoid total isolation: even if solitude can be beneficial at times, remaining completely cut off from others can prolong or complicate the grieving process.

There is no shame in saying, “I cannot do this alone” or “I need help to get through these stages of grief.” Seeking support is a sign of courage, not weakness.

2. Stay Connected with Life

Go for a walk in nature: movement, natural light, and fresh air can calm anxiety and help soothe the mind.
Surround yourself with living beings: plants, animals, the presence of other humans; this simple contact can remind you that life continues, even if it is different.
Engage in some physical activity, at your own pace: a short walk, some stretches, or gentle exercise can help release accumulated tension.

These actions do not replace sorrow, but they support the body during the grieving process, which has a direct impact on how one experiences emotions.

3. Care for Your Body and Routine

Take a warm bath, rest as much as possible, and allow yourself moments of pause.
Maintain a minimal routine: get up, wash, eat something, go out a little. The goal is not to be “productive,” but to maintain a sense of continuity.
Eat well: even if your appetite is not present, try to eat a little and stay hydrated.
Minimize major decisions: during certain phases of grief, judgment can be clouded. If possible, postpone major decisions (selling a house, radical life changes) until later.

The grief process requires energy. Caring for your body means giving yourself the tools to navigate the stages of grief without becoming completely exhausted.

4. Find Ways to Express What You Are Experiencing

Write about your experiences in a personal journal: putting words to your thoughts, regrets, anger, and sadness can bring great relief.
Express yourself through the arts: drawing, music, cinema, crafts, photography… creating sometimes allows one to say what words cannot explain.
Seek massage therapy or receive relaxation treatments, if your budget allows, to release accumulated physical tension.

Grief is not only a mental reality. It also manifests as bodily tension, insomnia, and fatigue. Finding channels of expression for these emotions helps prevent everything from remaining stuck inside.

5. Allow Yourself to Experience All Emotions… and Also Moments of Comfort

Participate in a support or growth group to meet other grieving individuals, share experiences, and feel less alone.
Share your experience with someone who has gone through a similar loss: being understood without having to explain everything in detail can be immensely beneficial.
Allow yourself to be in pain: it is normal to have very difficult days, setbacks, and moments of extreme anger or fatigue.
Allow yourself to experience pleasant moments: laugh, enjoy a good meal, an outing, a movie. These moments are not a sign of disrespect towards the deceased; they are part of the grief healing process.

Quebec Government Resources for Better Grieving

If you feel that emotions are overwhelming or that the stages of grief become too heavy to bear, public resources are available to assist you. The Government of Quebec provides citizens with information and services to better experience their grief and seek help as needed.

You may notably consult:

These pages present advice, telephone resources, and psychosocial services for grieving individuals throughout Quebec. In cases of great distress, never hesitate to contact Info-Social 811 or emergency services.

Factors Influencing the Grieving Process

We often speak of the stages of grief, but we sometimes forget that each person experiences this ordeal in their own way. Two individuals who lose a loved one under similar circumstances will not necessarily react in the same manner. The emotional journey is influenced by several factors.

Among the factors that can influence this journey are:

The relationship with the deceased person: The deeper the bond (spouse, child, parent, very close friend), the more profound the sense of absence. Complicated or ambivalent relationships can also make adaptation more difficult, leading to more regret or anger.
The circumstances of the loss: A sudden, violent, or perceived as unjust death often amplifies the shock and rebellion. Conversely, a long illness sometimes allows for a form of “pre-grief” before the passing.
Social support: Being surrounded, listened to, and understood makes a huge difference. Feeling isolated or misunderstood can, on the contrary, complicate the emotional journey.
Cultural and spiritual beliefs: For many, faith, rituals, and traditions give meaning to what is happening and offer guidance during this period of upheaval.
Personal history: Previous losses, unresolved traumas, or mental health difficulties can make this life stage more fragile.

Recognizing these factors is not meant for self-judgment, but to understand why some people seem to “bounce back” faster than others. Everyone progresses at their own pace, with their own background, resources, and limitations.

The Role of Support for the Bereaved Person

No one is obligated to go through this ordeal alone. The support of loved ones, groups, and, if necessary, professionals can transform how one experiences the different phases of adapting to a loss.

Being Present for Someone who Has Lost a Loved One

If you are supporting a bereaved person, you do not need to have “the right words”. What is most important is:

to offer genuine listening, without minimizing the pain;
to avoid clichés such as “You’ll get over it” or “You need to move on”;
to help in practical ways: prepare a meal, babysit, offer a ride to an appointment, etc.;
to respect the person’s pace: some need to talk, others need silence and discreet presence.

Sometimes, simply saying “I am here, I don’t know what to say, but I am with you in what you are experiencing” is worth a thousand ready-made phrases.

Support Groups and Specialized Resources

Support groups are often a great help. There, one meets other people experiencing a significant loss, feels less alone, and discovers practical tools to keep moving forward.

Throughout Quebec, community organizations, CISSS, and CIUSSS offer:

sharing groups for bereaved individuals;
individual meetings;
helplines to speak with someone quickly;
workshops or conferences on adaptation after a death.

To find resources near you, you can speak to a doctor, a CLSC worker, or consult your region’s community organization directories. The Government of Quebec’s website also offers useful information on its pages about living better through grief and seeking help to get through this period.

Coming to Terms with Surfacing Emotions

After a significant loss, emotions can change from day to day: sadness, anger, relief, guilt, emptiness, nostalgia… rather than trying to control everything, it is often more helpful to acknowledge what is happening internally and allow oneself to feel.

Some ways to navigate these emotional rollercoasters:

Expressing what you are experiencing: talk to someone you trust, write in a journal, draw, pray, consult a professional… everyone has their own language.
Creating small rituals: light a candle, visit a meaningful place, write a letter to the deceased person, organize a memorial gathering with family.
Taking care of your health: nutrition, sleep, gentle physical activity, medical follow-up if needed. The body and heart are closely connected.
Maintaining some connection with others: even if you feel “heavy” or socially fatigued, keeping a few anchors around you helps tremendously.

Myths and Realities Surrounding this Period

Several misconceptions circulate and can make this journey even more difficult. Here are a few, with clarification.

Myth: “You must follow a precise order of stages.”
Reality: Each person progresses at their own pace. One can go back, stagnate for a while, then resume. Models serve as benchmarks, not rules.
Myth: “Time heals all wounds.”
Reality: Time can soothe, but healing often requires inner work, support, and sometimes professional help.
Myth: “You must stay strong and not cry.”
Reality: Crying, feeling vulnerable, asking for help—all of these are part of a healthy reaction after a significant loss.
Myth: “If I feel better, it means I am forgetting.”
Reality: Finding some peace does not mean erasing the person. The bond transforms, but the memory remains.

When to Seek Professional Help?

There is no right or wrong time to seek consultation. You can ask for help as soon as you feel the situation becomes too heavy to bear alone, prevents you from functioning, or if your distress increases.

Some signs to take seriously:

feeling stuck without any relief, even over time;
overwhelming guilt or constant self-blame;
abusive consumption of alcohol or drugs to “feel nothing”;
suicidal thoughts or complete loss of hope;
almost complete isolation and inability to resume a basic routine.

In such cases, it is important to speak to a doctor, psychologist, social worker, mental health professional, or specialized organization. The goal is not to make the pain disappear, but to help you regain some balance and a little light in what you are going through.

And if, in parallel, you also need to manage funeral arrangements, the budget, or administrative procedures, our team can provide concrete support. You can consult:

Our role at Services funéraires Azur is to simplify the logistical and financial aspects for you, so that you can focus your energy on what is essential: navigating this period in your own way, surrounded by the right people.

Conclusion

Navigating the grief process is a personal and complex journey, but it is essential to recognize that every emotion felt is valid and part of healing. The stages of grief, although often described as linear, are in reality interconnected and can be experienced non-linearly.

Support from loved ones, emotional management, and the creation of new rituals are crucial elements for moving forward. By understanding the different stages and arming oneself with self-compassion and compassion for others, it is possible to navigate this period of pain and find a path toward acceptance and peace. The memory of loved ones can thus continue to live within us, offering strength and comfort throughout our life’s journey.